My Favorite Chuck Norris Jokes

Chuck Norris jokes amuse me way more than they should, so I've decided to start collecting them. Here are a few of my favorites:


Chuck Norris won the 1983 World Series of Poker despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of jail free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green No.4 Uno card.

Poker II

Some dispute the previous fact, claiming that Chuck Norris wasn't even playing poker at the 1993 World Series of Poker. Instead, he was apparently sat at the next table over with a menu in hand. When the waiter came to took his order Chuck said, "I'll have the soup", and they decided to give him the whole pot.


Chuck Norris was birthed by his aunt because no one dared to bang his mom.

Some say Chuck Norris was not born, he was tactically deployed.

Others say it took 9 women 4 years to give birth to Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris stands faster than Usain Bolt can run.

Chuck Norris recited pi to 1 million digits…the last million.

Chuck Norris once hit a walk off home run--in the first inning.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong to a "who has more testicles" contest. Chuck Norris won--by five.

At the end of The Guinness Book of World Records it states:

"We would like to note that all records are actually held by Chuck Norris, the records listed are merely the closest anyone has gotten."


When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he was alarmed to find that he already had two missed calls--from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn--he dares it to grow.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch--he says what time it is

Chuck Norris once ate 4 turtles. When he shat them out they were 6ft tall and knew ninjitsu.

Oppenheimer didn't design the atomic bomb--he stole Chuck Norris' barbecue.


All of these jokes have been pilfered from various sources on the internet, mostly Reddit and this site.


-Peter V.